Eyebrow rings, waxing and Ms Celie's Blues

Yesterday I went get my eyebrows waxed. I have a piercing just like the one pictured to the left of this entry. I didn't go to my usual place, which is kind of old and run down..instead I was sucked into the glitz and glamour of a new nail salon that recently opened in my area. Even as I stepped over the threshold, the alarm in my head started going off -beep - beep- beep

I ignored it.

I was guided to a barber like chair and settled myself down into the soft red leather.

"Lean back." the young Korean girl ordered, and I immediately thought about that scene in the movie The Color Purple. You know the one, Celie is fed up with Mister and all his abuse, she's found the letters from her sister and she's mad as hell. Well they're on the porch of the house - Mister and Celie, and he's just ordered her to shave him. And be advised, weren't no Bic shavers back then, just straight razors.

Celie is pissed beyond pissdom and she sharpens that straight razor for a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong time, until Mister orders her to, "Get on over here and shave me, now!"

Celie mumbles a very dark, "Alright," and walks with such morbid purpose over to Mister that you know he's about to die. When she gets to him she says, "Lean back." And you know the next thing your going to see is Mister's jugular whipping about like a loose water hose, spraying the movie screen red with his blood.

Anyway, that's what came to mind.

I leaned back.

She did the left eyebrow first, the one without the piercing and then she moved to the right one. The alarm was going full blast now --- beeep! beep! beep! -- but I remained calm.

She slathered the wax on, pressed the linen strip down over the wax and ---rrrrrrrrrrriiiippp

"Oh!" she yelped, her hand going to her mouth in horror.

"What!" I screamed, fearing that she had removed the entire eyebrow. She guilty showed me the piece of linen she held in her hand, the tiny ball to my eyebrow ring was stuck to it.

I began to shake. My hand came slowly up to my eyebrow to check the damage, there was no blood, just the loop, open and hanging from my skin.

Where was Shug when I needed her?

"I put back, don't worry." The girl nervously announced, and she did.

I've got to say, even with all of that drama, my eyebrows came out really well.

Bodacious booty's a health risk?

Browsing the internet news yesterday I ran across an article that immediately caused me to panic.

"If there's too much fat in your buttocks, it could be a major health concern."

Hmmm, my interest was peeked and rightly so, have you seen my Ba-dunk-a-dunk?


I read on...


"Researchers at the Adelaide and Meath Hospital in Dublin, Ireland say the problem is particularly evident in women."

I'm a woman. My panic level rose a notch. How much fat is too much?

"A best estimate of fat thickness can me made by depressing the upper outer quadrant of the buttock."

Ah shit, I thought I'm in trouble. I thought to myself. But before I run and make an appointment to get some layers shaved off my behind, what is the real concern here?

""If there is too much fat in your buttocks....medicine from pain killers to vaccines -- injected into the large posteriors very often do not reach the bloodstream."

Well, what's the solution?

"A longer needle maybe be needed for those who have fatter buttocks."

Now why couldn't they just have said that in the beginning?

A, B, C...DOUBLE D's - OH MY!

So when I was about twelve years old, I received as a birthday gift, a magic eight ball. You were supposed to ask it questions or make wishes -- I'm not sure which, but that was the premise. Me, I had just three questions/wishes.

1. I wish/will I ever have long hair? (didn't we all want long hair?)
2. I wish/will I ever write a book? (this does not need an explanation.)
3. I wish/will I ever have breasts? (I was flat as a chalk board then)
All I have to say is....be careful what you wish/ask for or you may surely get it.

Okay so the other day I strolled into Victoria's Secret intent on buying some sexy underwear, even though I knew with every step I took(jiggle, jiggle)that what I really needed was a new bra.

Ladies, you know how you have your favorite bra and you just wear it until the underwire warps or you look down one day and find your nipple looking up at you. Admit it...We're just as bad about getting rid of bra's as men are of tossing away their underwear.

But I digress...

So the smiling saleswoman approached and asked the stock question, "Can I help you find something?"

"Uhm, well..." I actually had my eyes on some black naughty looking thongs, but the practical side of me responded, "I'd like to get measured for a bra, it seems the ones I own somehow ended up in the dryer and shrunk." I said with a foolish grin on my face.

The sales woman gave me a look that said, "Stop fooling yourself sista." But she smiled nevertheless and whipped her trusty tape measure from her pocket. "Raise your arms please."

I did as I was told. We cheesed in one another's face as she wrapped the tape around my back. "Thirty-eight." She announced.

"Well, (hee, hee) I have put on a little weight this year."

Her eyes said, "A little? Get real!" But her mouth curled and said, "It's to be expected."

What the hell did that mean?

She brought the tape around to my front and squinted at the numbers. Me I sucked in my stomach and my subconscious screamed, "FOOL! That move ain't going to help your tits!"

"Double D." The sales woman announced proudly. Me, I almost passed out.

I sit here now, sharing this life episode with you, comfortably fitted with my new "Body By Victoria Full Figure" contraption of wire, padding and clasps, having finally accepted that sometimes with age and girth come larger breasts.

This new found knowledge (and lifestyle)leads me to ask the question:

Does a man's penis grow longer, thicker with age and/or weight gain? I'd love to hear from the men on this one.

If so, maybe I've been hoping for the wrong type of man -- maybe I need to set my sights on someone old and fat, huh?

P.S.

So as to keep this blog some what "family friendly" I did not post a picture of my breasts -- (smile) but did find a site that shows an assortment of breasts - and explains why we grow or don't grow. Check it out: Normal Breasts Photo Gallery

Who I read

Okay, I get this all of the time,"Ms. Holliday, who do you enjoy reading?" Well to tell the truth, I read across all lines: genre, color, religion..and so on.
So today I will compile a brief list of what I've read over the past six months or so - what I'm currently reading and who I look forward to reading in the future.

Current Reads:

Sex. Lies. Murder. Fame, Lolita Files



Future reads:

A brief history of the dead, Kevin Brockmeier


Past reads:

Third Girl from the Left, Martha Southgate
Leaving Cecil Street, Diane Mckinney Whetstone
An Almost Perfect Moment, Binnie Kirshenbaum
The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini
The Dew Breaker, Edwidge Danticat
Disgrace, J.M. Coetzee
1996, Gloria Naylor
Life of Pi, Yann Martel
The Untelling, Tayari Jones

Time to get this rolling!

Okay, I've been neglecting this blog -- but ya'll understand, right? Life gets in the way. But I'm back now and gearing up for my book tour. I promise that I will blog everyday while I'm book tour. So stay tuned for interesting picture and narrative.

Next month I'll be at the Pan African Conference in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida speaking on a panel with my friend and mentor; author: Bernice McFadden. Have you read her new novel: Nowhere is a Place....? Well the critics and readers are raving about it. She wrote a pretty deep essay for the Washington Post. All I can say is, I wish the dead were talking to me!

The critics are being pretty kind to my newest creation, FEVER!
as well, but I'm more interested in hearing what you guys have to say



The drop date of April 18th is quickly approaching so prepare yourself, because me and the gang get into even more precarious situations than we did in Groove!